If your goal is to pack on the pounds and embrace a more, shall we say, cushioned lifestyle, then this guide is for you. Forget everything you know about health and wellness. If you’ve ever dreamed of sinking deeper into your sofa while watching your waistline expand, you’re in the right place. Welcome to the world of inverse thinking, where we flip conventional wisdom on its head and show you how to get fat – fast.

Now that you’re ready to abandon the usual health advice, the first and most crucial step in expanding your waistline is to increase your caloric intake to well above maintenance. If your maintenance is 2,000 calories, consuming more than this will, according to basic thermodynamic theory, lead to an increase in the number you see on the scale. But how do you ensure you eat more than you burn? Simply estimate your maintenance calories with many online calculators. Some of the more reliable ones are calculator.net, tdeecalculator.net, and NASM.org. You simply input your gender, age, weight, height, and activity level to estimate how many calories you need to eat a day to maintain your current weight. For more accurate measurements, several fitness devices work.

Once you’ve determined your maintenance calories, the next step is to start eating above that threshold. Aiming for a caloric surplus of at least 400 calories a day will ensure you thicken up. This may seem like quite a lot to some, but with the right food choices, it’s easier than you think. Ignore all the lower-energy foods like lean meat, rice, and vegetables, and focus your attention on the denser products like pizza, burgers, and fried food. These types of foods not only pack a punch in terms of calories, but they’re also extremely easy to consume in large quantities.

It’s also important to note that frequent snacking can significantly contribute to your goal. Stock up on high-calorie snacks like chocolate, crisps, biscuits, and processed meats. Always keep them within arm’s reach and visible so you can indulge whenever you feel the slightest hunger – or even when you don’t.

Drinks are another easy way to add some extra calories with little effort. Need to add a quick 500 calories? A small McDonald’s milkshake will do it. Need 1,000 because you skipped a meal? A Venti Frappuccino from Starbucks will help. Also, don’t ignore alcohol. Not only does it contain up to 150 calories per unit, but it destroys your natural testosterone production, making weight gain even easier!

Step two is to reduce your activity, especially that of higher intensity. The less you move, the fewer calories you burn, and the easier it is to stay in a surplus. Skip the gym, opt for the elevator instead of the stairs, and spend more time sinking into the sofa, mindlessly scrolling to brain rot on Instagram. This way, you can stick to your goal of putting on the pounds without any interruptions.

To effectively reduce your activity, it’s crucial to make small, consistent changes to your daily routine. Not only should you minimize any unnecessary physical exertion, but you should also revolve your life around comfort and convenience. If you usually walk or cycle to work, make sure you drive. If you work from home, make sure you never get up from your desk. Instead of the usual activity, focus on sedentary entertainment instead, like video games, social media scrolling, or taking long naps.

Moreover, make sure you limit incidental physical activity. For example, park as close to the entrance as possible when you go shopping or use drive-thru services/delivery instead of walking into stores. These small adjustments might seem insignificant, but over time, they contribute to reducing your energy expenditure, making it easier to accumulate some extra baggage.

The next step is to sleep less and stress more. Believe it or not, your sleep and stress levels indirectly impact your weight. Lack of sleep leads to an increase in ghrelin, the hunger hormone, and decreases the satiety hormone leptin, making you hungrier and less full. So, aiming for less than six hours of sleep each night should maximize your fat-gaining journey.

Stress is another powerful tool in your weight-gain arsenal. When you’re stressed, your body produces cortisol, a hormone that encourages fat storage. To ensure you’re constantly stressed, make sure to never exercise, don’t sleep enough, maintain a chaotic schedule, and only eat processed foods. This will ensure your cortisol levels are high, making your journey much easier.

Finally, make sure to surround yourself with temptation. Your environment plays a massive role in your eating habits. To increase your ability to put on weight, make sure your surroundings are filled with your favourite chocolates, cereals, and crisps. You can also consider leaving snacks on your bedside stand, in your living room, and even at your workplace. Also, make sure to keep your kitchen depleted of any lower-calorie foods, just to make sure you can never go off track.

For an honourable mention, adopt a “why not?” attitude. This can be the cherry on top of your massing journey cake. Whenever you encounter an opportunity to indulge, ask yourself, “Why not?” Why not have that extra slice of cake? Why not have a pint with the football? Why not upgrade my drink to a large, it is part of the deal. This mindset will encourage you to seize every opportunity to consume extra calories, ensuring you stay on track with your goals.

Remember, the key to success is consistency. It is no short journey. It will take time and some effort, but with a dedicated approach to your (increasingly) cushioned lifestyle, you’ll be well on your way to achieving efficient weight gain. So, embrace the journey, indulge whenever possible, and enjoy the process of becoming the biggest version of yourself.